Okay, so I'll point out the obvious. We have a new look around here that I am absolutely in love with. I stumbled upon this blogger template by accident and loved that it let me keep my lowercase letter aesthetic on the sidebar. 

Now that my blog is looking spiffy, I want to talk about how I'm going to be rebranding. 

This blog will serve as a place for me to get my thoughts out and connect with my readers. If you're new, hi, I'm Brooke and I'm the author of YA dystopian novels How We Rise and United We Fall. My brand of dystopian is a bit different from what is usually found. If you're interested in my books, you can find links under the "my books" tabs. 

But I am actually working on reformatting my books and fixing some errors that happened in the publication process. Because yes, I am an indie author and that means a lot of the workload falls squarely on my shoulders. 

I take my writing seriously, as well as publishing, which means I go through the most professional route possible. I have a lovely editor and a wonderful cover designer, but all the formatting and final processing of files fall on me. And I'm a human being who makes mistakes. So if you want the first editions that will eventually be gone from publication and perhaps worth a lot of money when I'm a rich and famous author... 👀

In seriousness, these books are my heart, despite the minor flaws inside them. I know a lot of readers get annoyed with indie authors having any errors, no matter how minor, but we're trying our best I promise. Not all indie authors are equal in what effort they put into their books so don't judge us all by those who don't put effort into making their books professional. There are a lot of us who are working on changing the industry and making professional books. 

For instance, Abbie Emmons and her sister, K.A. Emmons. You've probably heard of 100 Days of Sunlight. 😌 A lot of people have no clue it's an indie book.

Anyway, indie author rant aside, welcome to my rebranded blog. I'm leaving my old posts up as they are part of my journey to this point.

This new space is going to be where I talk about the things on my mind, about writing books, sharing about my current projects, and just ranting in general. Sometimes I may post poems or short stories, or even just Pinterest images that make me feel something. 

This blog is going to be a random and wild place for me to express myself in words. Kind of like the good old blogging days. (If you remember those, you're a rock star.) 

I'll also probably share some thoughts I have on being an indie author and advice for any aspiring authors who aren't sure if they want to pursue traditional or indie publishing. 

I'm open to suggestions also, so if any of these posts are of interest, or if you have suggestions, comment them down below! 

I think that's it for now. 

Keep rising, friends <3

 I think we as humans have forgotten how to process our feelings before screaming them into the void that is the internet. We don't let them sit in our minds. We speak before we think. Journals are a thing of the past. We type away on our computers and phones, taking the broken-hearted energy we've built up so the moment we see something we don't like, we scream at the stranger on the internet, who is only ever going to chalk us up as a hater or troll. 

We don't let ourselves feel all the things we need to anymore. As children, we scream and cry when we've had enough. As adults, we bottle up every hurt, storing it in the jar of our hearts. Every word, every action, we let it add up in the jar like money for swears. 

We don't let ourselves cry or scream into our pillows anymore. We just keep going until the moment someone online sparks the match to the brush built up around us. 

Then all we are is fire and smoke, embers and flame. Burning, Burning, Burning until all that's left is ruin and ash, a disaster. We don't feel better, but at least our misery has company, right?

We don't tear others down to build ourselves up. We tear others down to not be alone in our misery. 

If we knew how to feel, how to think, how to breathe, we'd start less fights, wage less wars. 

There's always going to be injustice. 
There's always going to be something wrong in this world. But hate will never solve the problem. 

Words are powerful and there is a human being facing the screen. A person who feels. A person who will store up every word spoken to them online. A person who will go away broken, battered, bruised, and take their turn yelling until the fire has spread and devastation is all that's left. 

Love is the firebreak

Love is the water

Love doesn't spread as loudly or as confidently as hate. Love is a quiet emotion, shown more in action than in words, making it hard to notice sometimes. 

Love doesn't announce itself or demand recourse. 

Love exists to heal the parts of our ever-broken hearts and make them a little less... well, broken. 

It can be hard to love in a world of darkness and mayhem and pain. But love is the key to which we seek. 

glass shard

dripping blood

like a knife

you didn't have to cut me

to make me bleed

my heart was bleeding

long before you met me

knife to the back 

dagger to the heart 

for what's it's worth 

I was already fragile enough to break 

no rest

no peace

nothing left 

inside this glass heart

I grip the shards

in my soft hands

tears and blood

mix at my feet 

I was already fragile enough to break 

long before you met me

my glass heart

cracked and chipped

now lays on the ground

and I fall 

again

next to my broken heart

tears mixing with blood

succumbing to the pain

until I'm numb enough

to gather the shards

and build a new heart

to start all over again

I saw a reel on Instagram the other day about post wip depression and I've realized that it's affecting me deeply after finishing book three. I finished book three on October 30th. And it was exciting and amazing... but it also hurts. 

those characters have been with me since I was in my younger teens. they've helped raise me. and as I take on a November writing challenge with a goal to write every day... I'm struggling. I did not add words to my wip today. I had no excuse, either. I literally sat in front of my computer for almost two hours total, doing other things when I could've been writing. and part of me is beating myself up for it. but part of me... hurts. I miss my beloved characters. and while I know I still have to edit the book like crazy and take time to perfect everything about it before it's published, the big part is over. the drafting is over. their stories have a definitive beginning and end now. 

and my heart hurts from that. 

and while I know I'm not ruling out spin-off books or short stories or other things, it's hard to really jump into a new wip, even one I'm excited to work on. because there's this lingering sadness from leaving behind a world I have been in for many years. 

And so I wrote this post for anyone feeling that way as they jump into NaNo or whatever project they may have. it's okay to miss what you used to have. it's okay to miss the characters that helped you grow. it's okay to miss something you've grown used to and is now suddenly gone.

you'll find more worlds to get lost in. and no one is stopping you from going back to visit if you need to. it's okay to need time to process between wips. take that time to let the healing begin. 

take care of yourself, friend. I know there's so much pressure in November to write a novel, but you don't have to put that pressure on yourself if you're not ready yet. it's okay to take time to yourself to process everything and say goodbye to the stories that raised you. 

and remember, new worlds will always be here waiting when you're ready to enter them. 

keep rising, friend. <3

what a month. 

no words, just the new album from Starset, Horizons. If you haven't listened, you should. If you're tired of me yelling about starset, tired of hearing about starset, and detest the very name of the band because of how much I talk about them... #sorrynotsorry. They honestly help me through so much that I can't not say anything about them. 

only Dustin Bates could write a song that includes actual poetry and make it rock music with violins and classical instruments and theatrical sounds and just... how is it not everyone is listening yet?? 

anyway, I'll get off my starset high horse (or perhaps it's a spaceship) and talk about my month.

there isn't much to say. 

I got a new aloe plant.

I reached 50k on book three.

I worked. 

I cried. 

I decided I was human and that it's okay to cry. 

I got excited about all the literature references in the new starset album (yes, I know, I'm mentioning them again, I'm sorry 🤭)

I realized long distance sucks, especially when all you want is to just be by someone and drive around and do nothing or just... feel less alone. 

October was a month of loneliness. Of trying to discover who I could be, who I might be, and falling flat on my face for things out of my reach. 

I wrote poetry, none of it good

mostly just my feelings out on a page

so I could process my hurt and anger 

and maybe there's a bit of broken heart too

even though I don't know where it might come from

maybe I do...

there was good food consumed and there were fun times but it felt like a blur and there was no pause button like there might be on the xbox controller that I use. 

it was a month of... waiting.

waiting for answers.

waiting for understanding. 

there are things I don't understand about myself right now. things I'm concerned about. things that don't make sense. and I'm trying to figure out how to adult and breathe and exist and balance and and and...

maybe you feel like this too. 

spun out and unable to bear it. 

don't give up. 

I'm not going to give you a cheesy word of hope. 

because even I don't know what hope looks like right now. 

but I know there's purpose in all of this. 

hold on to one thing you like. one thing you love.

a song.

a book.

a word. 

an object.

a human.

live for that one thing.

no matter how big or small.

live for it. 

keep moving. 

I hope November brings you peace. I hope November brings me peace. 

keep rising, friend. 

🥀