what a month. 

no words, just the new album from Starset, Horizons. If you haven't listened, you should. If you're tired of me yelling about starset, tired of hearing about starset, and detest the very name of the band because of how much I talk about them... #sorrynotsorry. They honestly help me through so much that I can't not say anything about them. 

only Dustin Bates could write a song that includes actual poetry and make it rock music with violins and classical instruments and theatrical sounds and just... how is it not everyone is listening yet?? 

anyway, I'll get off my starset high horse (or perhaps it's a spaceship) and talk about my month.

there isn't much to say. 

I got a new aloe plant.

I reached 50k on book three.

I worked. 

I cried. 

I decided I was human and that it's okay to cry. 

I got excited about all the literature references in the new starset album (yes, I know, I'm mentioning them again, I'm sorry 🤭)

I realized long distance sucks, especially when all you want is to just be by someone and drive around and do nothing or just... feel less alone. 

October was a month of loneliness. Of trying to discover who I could be, who I might be, and falling flat on my face for things out of my reach. 

I wrote poetry, none of it good

mostly just my feelings out on a page

so I could process my hurt and anger 

and maybe there's a bit of broken heart too

even though I don't know where it might come from

maybe I do...

there was good food consumed and there were fun times but it felt like a blur and there was no pause button like there might be on the xbox controller that I use. 

it was a month of... waiting.

waiting for answers.

waiting for understanding. 

there are things I don't understand about myself right now. things I'm concerned about. things that don't make sense. and I'm trying to figure out how to adult and breathe and exist and balance and and and...

maybe you feel like this too. 

spun out and unable to bear it. 

don't give up. 

I'm not going to give you a cheesy word of hope. 

because even I don't know what hope looks like right now. 

but I know there's purpose in all of this. 

hold on to one thing you like. one thing you love.

a song.

a book.

a word. 

an object.

a human.

live for that one thing.

no matter how big or small.

live for it. 

keep moving. 

I hope November brings you peace. I hope November brings me peace. 

keep rising, friend. 

🥀